Ketamine, Depression, and a Year Later

Posted: July 9, 2016 in Life

It’s been a year since I last updated this blog though it’s not for lack of trying. It’s truly difficult to know where to begin when talking about a topic that has affected my life both in depth and breadth. How do I say everything I want to say? I can’t.

There aren’t words to express the what this last year has been like. It’s been amazing. It’s been complicated. It’s been confusing. It’s had uncertainties. It’s had tears. It’s had laughter. It’s had… everything. To try to express how experiencing everything while not carrying the full weight of my depression is impossible. With the length of time I’ve lived with my depression, I’ve learned to articulate what it feels like. In trying to articulate my life without it being the elephant on my chest, I feel like a toddler trying to find words and stumbling over myself.

The complexities of my experience, for the sake of brevity, I will simplify. Ketamine is both fast acting yet short lived. My depression is still here, inside me. After the infusions we went to injections and from injections, I’ve moved to a nasal spray. Each switch has required a learning curve which would take a post in and of itself to talk about. Right now, I do a nasal spray every four days. If I go longer, my depression comes back and quickly. I go from doing okay to feeling blah to intense depression within 24-48 hours. That is extremely stressful on my psyche. As long as I stick to my regimen, my depression remains dormant.

I won’t complain though. In the last year I’ve seen the most beautiful colors. I’ve breathed deeply. I’ve experienced joy and hope and laughter. I’ve cried and I’ve mourned and I’ve felt all my emotions. I will take God’s miracles and mercies as He gives them to me.

I have a lot of learning to do still. After decades of horrible days, I have to learn how to have bad days. Sometimes I have a bad day and I slip into catastrophic thinking. Other times I’ve been under stress, or not had enough sleep or had tragedy and struggled to be okay existing in sadness and not trying to ignore it. This is why I still go to therapy. Like a child learning her colors, I am learning my emotions, getting reacquainted and trying to understand them.

Be patient with me as I sort it out. If I disappear, it’s likely that there was a hiccup in my routine or I’m struggling to deal with the everyday. If I seem unsure or hesitant, I have not yet gained my confidence in commitments. Often my depression would lay me out for weeks and I hated flaking out so I simply didn’t agree to anything. I’m starting to step up but I still get nervous and my anxiety flares up.

And if you want to know about depression, anxiety, therapy, ketamine, and/or how my faith in Christ fits with all of it… let me know. I have no shame in my struggles. They are what they are.

“It would be a very sharp and trying experience to me to think that I have an affliction which God never sent me, that the bitter cup was never filled by his hand, that my trials were never measured out by him, nor sent to me by his arrangement of their weight and quantity.” (Charles Spurgeon)

  1. Elija says:

    It’s been a good year. :)

  2. Hope Turner says:

    Please help me as I begin the road you’ve walked…even our shared faith in Christ! You can read about me as you wish, but I just started my ketamine treatment last week. I’ve had 4 and will have 2 more this coming week. I’m already afraid it won’t work. Actually, I’m terrified. I’ll look forward to reading more of your story and insight. Hugs, Hope

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