When it gets too heavy…

Posted: March 7, 2015 in Depression, Life
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I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to write this. 11 19 11_1542

There’s not an easy way to come out and say, “Hey, my psychiatrist made me check into the psych ward at the local hospital.”

I’ve spent the last few years trying to push back against the stigma of mental illness. I’ve tried to be open as best that I can. I’ve tried to answer questions honestly. It’s not easy. People want to solve your problems even when you ask them not to. They don’t know that they don’t have the whole story. I don’t publish every single facet of my depression. I share what I can, what I can endure to have critiqued, and the rest I save for those closest to me. Sometimes they don’t even get the full story.

When a person is hospitalized for anything other than a mental illness, it’s easily discussed. People will post about it on Facebook or it’ll go out in the prayer chain or whatever. A psych ward visit though… people don’t know what to say. They don’t know what to do. It’s spoken about in hushed whispers. Without intending to, the message gets sent that going to the hospital for a mental illness is shameful. How broken does your mind have to be to land you there?

I don’t want to give the details here, on a public blog. Suffice to say that both my therapist and my psychiatrist were in agreement that I needed to go in. My psychiatrist told me I either went or he put a psychiatric hold on me. My therapist and my psychiatrist are long suffering people who would not have made this decision if it weren’t absolutely necessary.

Sometimes the despair gets to be too heavy. Sometimes the darkness is too thick. Sometimes life feels like a millstone around my neck. Sometimes it looks like there’s only one solution and it has nothing to do with feeling unloved or unwanted. Sometimes I just want it to stop hurting.

Right now my therapist (with his PhD) and my psychiatrist (with his MD) are helping me come up with some creative, scientifically based, solutions. (I say this every time – I don’t want any advice or suggestions. I have a fantastic team and I don’t need folk remedies). I trust them and I’m safe in their care.

So why am I sharing this? Because I’m not okay. Because I’m not okay and I refuse to be ashamed.

We’re all broken in some way, and these are the pieces I’m in.

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Comments
  1. Ronnie Simmons says:

    We love you, Shannon. I know your struggles are real. You are a wonderful person and you have a beautiful family. My prayers are with you.

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