Archive for January, 2015

I’ve been actively seeking help for my depression for a little over six years now. With the mental health professionals in my life, we’ve come to the conclusion that whatever is wrong with me, it’s biological (note: please don’t take this as an invitation to give me medical advice – I’m really not interested). This means let’s throw lots and lots of medications at me and hope something sticks.

Right now I’m in the throes of one more medication. After a plenty of zero luck, my psychiatrist recommended genetic testing. We discovered that I’ve got a short list of “good” meds to try and a long list of “don’t even bother” and this is my last med on the “good” list (all the genetic testing does is look at how your body metabolizes a med, it doesn’t say whether or not it’ll actually work or even if you’ll get all the side effects).

I just contacted my psychiatrist for a second time this week about side effects. The first one was in regards to heart palpitations (yes, it’s a side effect, no it’s not serious, no we don’t know if it’ll pass like the nausea which I’m also experiencing). The recent one was whether or not it was making my depression worse. Paxil makes my depression worse even though it’s in my “don’t even bother” list. Three steps forward, ten steps back. I need scientists to science harder please.

The maddening part about trying to figure out if it’s making my depression worse is that I have pretty bad depression to begin with. No one really knows except for me to pick out a few new symptoms (for example: I don’t generally cry and I’ve cried everyday this week. Also I love to eat and in the last couple weeks I’ve decided eating is for other people).

I’m sure my psychiatrist just loves hearing from me. (“Seriously, suck it up woman!” I imagine him thinking. Which really he’s a nice guy so I don’t know why he would be thinking that towards me.)

So why am I writing this? Partly because I haven’t updated in a while. Partly because if I seem to disappear or to be extra forgetful, it’s not you, it’s me. I probably want to throw up or throw in the towel or both. Please be patient while we try to fix my brain. :-/